simplicity of faith

I need to hear things in simple terms especially when it comes to my faith. When reading through the Bible, I often get overwhelmed with the number of lessons that I can take from one particular passage. How am I supposed to keep up with all the values I need to learn while still avoiding all the temptations I face? How did Jesus keep everything straight? His answer is simple - He is God. But I fall so far short that it causes me to get frustrated and stop dead in my tracks.

I was sharing this with a lady that I've been meeting with lately and she mentioned this while we were talking about spending daily times with God - "Don't feel like you have to get everything you can from every passage. I'm planning on reading the Bible for the rest of my life and when I finish, I'll start again. The next time I read it, I'll learn more things. Let God impress upon your heart what He needs you to know now. He'll show you those other things when you're ready." Ahhhh! I can't tell you how freeing that was for me.

So when I'm trying to read the Bible each day, I don't feel so overwhelmed. I can read and trust that God is revealing what I need to know now. Wonderful. This makes me want to read even more.

incoherent thoughts

There are many reasons why I haven't been blogging lately but the main reason is because I've been overwhelmed mentally and coming up with a coherent post was completely out of my mental ability. There have been many ideas going around in my head but nothing that seemed to come together completely. Here are a few things I've been thinking through:

~~do I have any authority to be blogging? what is it that keeps someone coming back to read my blog? does it really encourage/challenge anyone or am I just shouting into the dark nothingness of the world wide web?

~~If the original point of putting my thoughts out there was to keep people updated about my journey toward missions, what happens if I feel like God is calling me to stay right now? (All the events that brought me to this question are so lengthy and I haven't had the time to type them all out.)

~~what do I make of the pains of this world? It's not that I've been going through anything super hard but seen people around me hurting. I'm tired of the darkness, pain and grief around me. I want Jesus to come back and take us home.

~~if I've been walking this christian life for 18 years, why is it so hard to spend time reading the Bible? And when I do, why am I so uncomfortable there? I'm working through this one but I'm not sure how to share it here.

~~balance. I want to learn how to balance. I've changed my job again and I'm much happier now but the problem has become that I don't want to stop working. Resting has become more of an issue that it's ever been before. And traveling so much this last month hasn't helped.

So these are things that you might see blogs about soon but then again you may not. Is there a theme to my life right now? Can I put a name to this season that I find myself in? That's a good question and I'm not sure I can answer it very well other than saying that I'm learning. I'm learning that I need family, that I'm not an extreme extrovert anymore, and that the changes that are taking place aren't always leading me in the most obvious direction.

In the last 11 days....

I have spent 5 days and 4 nights in St Louis, 3 days and 2 nights in Las Vegas, 4 days and 3 nights (so far) in Atlanta. I lost $4 in a slot machine in an airport. I've been on 10 United Airline flights totaling 4,684 miles. I've stayed in the MGM Grand room 9-202, the Hilton at the Ballpark room 2303 and the Westin Peachtree Plaza room 4112. I've packed my suitcase three times and done 4 loads of laundry. BUT in the next week, I have 6 more flights totaling 2,617 miles, two more nights in the Westin Peachtree Plaza hotel room 4112, 4 days and 3 nights in Phoenix, AZ and probably 2 more loads of laundry. Sadly, for the entire month of Nov, I will have spent 12 days and 16 nights in own bed and 8 days in the office.

I'm tired physically and at some points mentally but once Wed comes I will be with family. I'm thankful for a break from this lifestyle and even more thankful for the people I will get to spend it with.

Thank you to all my friends for enduring this crazy month of my life with me and for the entertaining text messages that I get like "Which state are you in now?" Love you all!

GQ (short for "Great Quote")

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis

more thoughts on change

When the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change, you change.
~Pastor Sal Sberna - Metropolitan Baptist Church, Houston,TX

The year 2006 was a hard year and last year at this time I was wondering when it would be over. I did infact endure the final two months of the year but it was painful. But when I look back, I am glad that I went through those painful seasons because of two things - they forced me to change because staying was so uncomfortable and they made me grateful for where I am today. I know it's not quite the end of the year and I haven't accomplished all my goals for 2007 (yet) but I would never have guessed a year ago that I would be where I am today. Now some of you may be wondering what I'm talking about - has her job changed? is she moving soon? No and no. Not much has changed other than my walk with God. He has become my friend and my comforter. His words are refreshing to me and His plan for my life has played out beautifully so far. I can't wait to look back on this year.

a wise man's mother once said...

"Be who you is, cause if you be who you ain't than you ain't who you is."

The people-pleaser in me finds this to be quite difficult sometimes. But over the past year, I have learned to love who I am instead of trying to be someone that I'm not. And now when I feel the pressure to be someone that I'm not I am able to recognize the difference. I don't want to be someone I'm not because I like who I am. Good thing I do because God made me to be that way. I can rest assured that I'm doing something right.

What I Cannot Change

Songs inspire me, motivate me and touch me. This particular one that has been on repeat in my car for days now and I can't seem to shake it. I'm sure by the time it hits the radio I'll be completely over it but right now it touches so many aspects of my life.

What I Cannot Change by LeAnn Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands


I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

There are many things in life that I can't change - people, weather, circumstances, God - but I can learn to let go, forgive and love. Wish it was really as easy as it sounds.

Lessons from The Kite Runner

How many times have you found yourself in a situation where you have an option - do what is right and put your reputation on the line or do what is wrong and regret the decision for the rest of your life? Amir is living an extremely guilty conscience due to a wrong decision and it continues to be a driving force behind every decision that he makes. Numberous times, he is given an opportunity to make things right yet the coward inside keeps him from taking those steps. But the most painful part is that the wrong decision Amir made was in failing to step in and help one of the most selfless friends he has ever known. Hassan was beyond loyal to Amir and in one of Hassans greatest times of need, Amir turned his back. The guilt that Amir felt completely severed his friendship with Hassan because he couldn't look Hassan in the eyes without being overcome with shame. Shame so great that Amir wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Hassan is a beautiful portrayal of Jesus in this story. No matter how many times Amir tried to push him away because of his own sin, Hassan continued to love him and pursue a relationship with him. Hassan turned the other cheek and loved Amir despite all the times he was denied love in return. I wish I could say that I am more like Hassan when it comes to loving the people around me and less like Amir when confronting my own wrongdoings. But just like Hassan examplifies, the grace and mercy of Jesus is what I am given in return. And I am forever grateful and humbled.

(The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini - it's a must read. And it's also being made into a movie by Dreamworks which will release into theaters on Dec 19, 2007.)

Leavin' on a jet plane

You won't believe this but I am so excited about spending a weekend in Wichita, KS! Some of you may think I'm crazy but two of my favorite people live there and right now, I'm dying to connect with them. It wasn't until a couple nights ago when I was headed home from a VERY long day at work that I realized how badly I wanted to roll down my windows, turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs with Aubrey right beside me laughing because I don't know all the words. I could really use some time curled up next to April talking about nothing and everything for hours on end. And I haven't been able to give in to my cravings for ice cream because for some reason, a Cold Stone Mudpie Mojo just doesn't taste the same here in Colorado. So tomorrow night, when I get on that plane, I'll pull out my ipod, turn on Feels Like Home, close my eyes and remember all the times that I have listened to this song with my two friends in the upstairs bedroom of a house in Manhattan, KS one very special day long ago.

I can't wait to hug them when I get off that plane!! I can't wait to laugh until my stomach hurts. Oh and on Saturday night, I'll be with them in front of a TV watching the K-State game. But more than anything, I can't wait to be with two friends that understand who I am without having to explain it. Being known - I love that feeling.

Reflections on dying for Christ

I just read a chapter of Dangerous Faith that was talking about persecution and suffering in the first century church. Joel mentions that throughout history the church would grow tremendously when suffering took place. There have been many people who have been killed for their faith and instead of killing the message they were preaching, their deaths paved the way for others to come to know Christ.

On Sunday at church, my pastor talked about Philippians 1:21 where Paul says "To live is Christ, and to die is gain" which I have been meditating on for the last couple of months - trying to understand what this might look like in my life. That day it took on a new meaning to me. Even though the method of death may be painful, am I truly willing to live my life or lose my life for Him? I know that life in Christ is the only life worth living for, the only life that cannot be taken away and the only life that has eternal gain. But do I know that in my heart and not just my mind? Not always.

In addition to that, this next question posed a challenge that knocked me out of whatever apathetic state I have found myself in. Are you living in Christ? If not, then have you connected with the love of God lately? Because if you have been connecting with the love of God then you will naturally be drawn to making Him your life. That's what I want - to connect with the love of God. The last couple of weeks have been hard and I'm not sure if it's winter setting in or busyness distracting me from disciplines but either way, I've been coasting and I don't want to anymore. From past experience, connecting with the love of God will pull me out of that spell quickly.

So pray that for me and I'll be praying that for you. I'm praying that you will be able to feel His love today in a way that refreshes your spirit and draws you closer to Him.

Grande Americano w/ Cream & 2 Sweet'n Low

My (occasional) morning pick-up. There are a couple variations that can take place with this drink. Sometimes I know I can't handle the extra caffeine so I'll just get "half caf" which is the (1/2) sign at the top. And depending on the Starbucks location, I will get it extra hot because one location doesn't make it hot enough. But no matter what the variation, the $2.36 it takes to get this drink is well worth it!

My lame efforts as a roadblock

I have a tendency to let the advice of other people sway the way I think or feel about decisions in my life. I'm not sure if this comes from a desire to please other people or just indecisiveness but either way, it has brought on many tears of confusion over the years. Now there are definitely moments when I need to listen to those words of wisdom from friends and family since I'm often overwhelmed with the emotions of my decisions and in need of a different perspective. But sometimes those friends and family are just as emotionally changed about the situations as I am.

So today I sought out counsel regarding the timing of missions training and received exactly what I was looking for. My best friend was able to sort through all my frustrations, worries and fears and point me in the right direction. What she pointed out to me was that my desire to have God work out all the logistics had caused me to stop doing anything. I had it in my mind that the Nov. training period wouldn't work out with my work schedule and had set my eyes on June instead. Because of this, I hadn't tried very hard to open the appropriate doors to make Nov. happen even if God decided to close them until June. My fear had caused me freeze.

With her practical advice on what to do, I can honestly say that I have done (and am doing) everything in my control to allow God to work out the logistics. I am no longer acting out of fear. I am at peace with Nov or June. God will prepare me for either.

My past meets the present

Horn Creek holds part of my life and part of my heart. Being nestled in the breath-taking Sange De Cristo mountain range gives a feel unlike any other. As the distinctly crisp mountain breeze mixes with the sound of the wind blowing through the aspen trees, I am able to find the quiet places in my heart - those places that you only know are there when you have run out of things to say or think about.

It was great to connect with a few friends that I hadn't seen in awhile. But at the same time, ever since I started working there, it's been hard to remember what it was like to be a camper - without worry or stress during my time on the property. This trip had a few of those same moments.

But I took a long hike down Rainbow Trail and essentially, memory lane as well. I was able to enjoy being completely alone in the mountains that I love. I was able to sit in a rocking chair outside the Ranch Dining hall and look out over the camp that I love while the sun set behind me. It was one of those moments that I wish I could have captured but a picture wouldn't have let you smell the wind or listen to the silence. This was a place where I learned so much about service - maybe because I cleaned 10 bathrooms a week and served over hundreds of meals. A place where I hoped that people would connect with God and yet He seemed so far from me. And at the end of each hard day that we worked there, we had the ability to relax in a rocking chair with the dining hall behind us and smell that same wind. But I didn't do it enough.







Those 6 hours that I spent up in Westcliffe, CO last Saturday afternoon were exactly what I needed. Time far away from the noises of the city and time driving that familiar road that brought me to the Springs and the life I love now.

An Effective Use of Time

Tonight I am able to say that I didn't waste my evening. I spent it reading, Dangerous Faith by Joel Vestal, a new book out by NavPress that talks about living a missional life wherever your mission field may be. Joel has traveled to more than seventy different countries around the world and his stories are shocking, awe-inspiring, challenging and compelling. Since my heart already resonates with his passion for missions, it has been quite easy for me to look forward to reading. But tonight I am humbled at my own desire to live the "American dream." I don't want to retire one day and find myself asking questions like "Is that it? I have lived a comfortable and predictable life. But what have I really accomplished with the time I was given?" Instead, as Joel points out, I hope I can be like Paul at the end of my life and say,

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13 NIV)

I'm reminded that this life isn't about me or what I have to offer. Everything that I have is God's. Everything. And His magnificent plan will take place with or without my help. Therefore, it is a great privilege to be part of it all and there is nothing better that I can do with my life.

It's been a good evening. I wish I was more consistent in using my extra time effectively. But before I go, here's one more quote that was included in this book - it was encouraging to me.

God did not make the first human because He needed company, but because He wanted someone to whom he could show His generosity and love. God did not tell us to follow Him because he needed our help, but because He knew that loving Him would make us whole.
~Irenaeus

Cold weather - Great shows

The weather has been getting a lot colder lately here in Colorado and when this happens I find myself watching more television. Since my roommates and I don't have any TV channels, we must resort to watching movies or past seasons of TV shows. This isn't the first winter season where I have tried to catch up on episodes of a particular show. In the past I have watched Lost and Grey's Anatomy but last year I got hooked on Prison Break. If you haven't seen it, it's kind of like Shawshank Redemption but in TV form - it's fascinating! Well, last night I picked up Disc 1 of Season 2 which contained four episodes. I was pretty sure this would last me a couple nights but I was shocked when it only lasted one evening. So today after work, I proceeded to find a Blockbuster near my house which had Disc 2 so that I could keep feeding my addiction - I know, I'm pathetic. But you have to cut me a break, I don't normally do this and I didn't have anything to do tonight anyway. So I just finished watching two more episodes and decided that would be enough for tonight. I can contain myself and save the other two episodes for tomorrow. So if you are looking for a distraction - I would suggest watching Prison Break. I hear the season premiere aired tonight also so maybe a few of you caught that. If so, I don't want to hear about it! :) And in case you were wondering what I will do with my extra time after I have finished season 2 of Prison Break, I plan on starting season 1 of Heroes - I heard it's really good and the only time I have seen part of an episode was on a plane with a loudly snoring man next to me.

In case you want to check out what this show - Prison Break - is all about.

Rest

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

Jesus is so refreshing to me right now. He really has showm me how to recover my life. I'm not perfect at resting but keeping company with Him has definitely been freeing. Now my goal is to keep closely watching how He does it for the rest of my days.

Lowest of all things (in my opinion)

I hate moths with a passion. When there is a moth in the room I can't concentrate on anything other than the death of it. And I mean death! Grabbing it and throwing it outside isn't sufficient since it could find it's way back into my life again. I've been known to scream and run out of the room when these things get close to me. I've been told stories about people having moths in their ears and I am left with the chills - actually just thinking about it again makes me cringe. I think those dusty, blind, useless insects need to be completely exterminated. I'm sure they have a reason but none that I can see and trust me there isn't one. Oh and they put holes in my clothes! Those wretched things! Here's a picture I took tonight of the two moths that were sitting on the light fixtures in our kitchen. For some weird reason, I kind of like this picture - it almost makes those sick little creatures look good. (Almost)

I'm still alive....I think

Let's see. What has happened in my life since I last blogged? I spent the rest of Labor Day weekend visiting friends in Longmont, CO and doing some shopping in Fort Collins, CO. While I was up there, I was able to spend a lot of time reading - I woke up at 3am on Monday and couldn't go back to sleep - and even more time doing absolutely nothing. :) It was good to get away from home while still feeling like I was at home. Hopefully that makes sense cuz I can't figure out another way to explain it.

After the long weekend, I went back to reality with full force - I started in a new position at work. Before, I was traveling around in the Northeast states visiting bookstores to talk with them about our new product. Now, I will be spending more of my time in the office but working with ministries instead. It doesn't seem like much of a switch but believe me, it is. I thought there were a lot of bookstores but there are about 10x as many ministries - my phone has been ringing off the hook. And not only am I considered their sales rep, I am also helping with marketing - the part I LOVE!! This will make me sound like a geek but there are many times when I wish someone would give me an Algebra assignment just because I miss doing math. Yes, I know it's weird but I can't help it - I really do miss it. Anyway, for the last two weeks, I have been able to spend hours staring at numbers, making graphs and finding ways to reach ministries with new products that fit their visions of outreach. If you can't tell - I'm super excited about what this job will allow me to do and because of that, I have been staying at work long after 5:00pm strikes.

During the few hours that I have had left in my evenings, I have been filling out an in-depth application to go overseas. I sent it off in the mail yesterday and since then have finally been able to sit for a few moments and just...well...sit. But what I have left to listen to are thoughts that seem to contradict themselves. Here they are: (1) I think about the calling that I know was placed on my heart 6 years ago and excitement fills my mind - excitement that will eventually put me on a plane to somewhere far far away from here. (2) Then I think about how I'm still sitting in my cubicle surrounded by graphs of ministry book buying trends which I've been salivating over for the last three hours and can't wait to put the results into action.

How do these two thoughts live in my mind at the same time without a brawl breaking out? Can I be excited about implementing over the next year what my reports are showing while I take steps during my off time toward leaving everything I know?

I'm not asking these questions out of fear of leaving, although I'm not going to deny that I'm scared. I'm not asking these questions because I feel like my calling has changed. I am asking them because I want to be sure that I don't leave before God is done equipping me for the future. I never wanted to go overseas because I didn't like my job - I like my job. But I also have never had adrenaline kick in while I'm working. It makes me laugh about the next phrase that goes through my mind - "Maybe Satan is putting a road block in your path so you won't go overseas." Really? Satan would rather me be excited about feeding ministries around the world with resources to touch peoples lives with the Gospel? I'm not so sure about that.

So all that said - I'm loving my job. I'm excited about going overseas. But I'm confused about how God is going to work those two things out. Guess that's why I'm not in control.

One step closer

I'm taking the next step. I don't know the destination but I know that I'll never get there without moving forward.

Last week while I was in PA, I finally met face-to-face with Lisa (the lady who I have been talking with about overseas missions). Over a Philly cheesesteak, I shared a few things that I'd been processing through over the last month. The last time that we talked, I had begun to notice that I was leaning on Lisa to tell me what the next step would be and I felt God asking me to wait on His direction instead. In God's perfect timing, right before I asked Lisa what she thought the next step would be, her phone battery died. (I know God was laughing with me when I closed my phone.) Anyway, the next week at church, our pastor was talking about searching every room in our heart to make sure that God would be able to call it "home." As he was saying this, I knew that my next step would be a spiritual one. Throughout the last month, I've been in a desert where I have been humbled in the most painful and beautiful ways. When we open up our lives and allow God to show us where we need Him, He is definitely delighted to show us. (Now I'm praying that God would show me those areas gently.) And most of all, I thank God that He didn't allow me to go any further in this process without showing me how greatly I need Him.

Also during this month, I've been amazed to see how I've felt a tug on the heartstrings when it comes to certain passions in my life. One example would be children. I've never considered myself to be someone that oohs and aahs over every little child I see. But after looking through pictures of the children I worked with in East Asia and watching a video of children in Africa, I started to get a glimpse of God's heart for children and how I could play a part. Another example was shown to me through my church and my times in the Word. I have a burden for the Church. I long for people to know God's truth through the establishment churches. This has never been something that I've felt this passionate about until recently but I told my mom that I could see myself planting churches someday - something I honestly had never thought about.

After I shared all of this with Lisa, I felt free to ask what the next logistical step may be. She told me a little more about CrossWorld's vision (which happens to be focused on church planting) as well as what the process of going overseas with them would be. This is where I begun to get fearful. Why? Because in the back of my mind I know that each step closer to actually getting on a plane to go overseas long-term is one step closer to saying goodbye. But I can't deny the fact that God's hand has been so incredibly visible throughout all my conversations with Lisa and each of my personal times in the Word over the last few months. When we got back from dinner, I was given a two inch stack of papers regarding everything from what CrossWorld believes to what my role could to health and retirement plans. Needless to say, I was up long into the night reading. But she suggested that I consider starting the application process since their training weeks only come along twice a year and one of them is only a couple months away.

So, I'm taking the next step. But I need your prayers. There are a few timing issues that need to be worked out. I was reading that same night in Matthew where Jesus said to a fig tree that wasn't bearing fruit "Let no fruit grow on you ever again" and it immediately withered away. The next few verses that followed have become a great source of comfort for me:

"Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast in the sea,' it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." (Matthew 21:21-22, NKJV)

God can work out the timing. Also, pray for courage. Like I briefly mentioned at the beginning, I don't know the destination of this journey. My hot-air balloon is only moved by the direction in which God determined the wind to blow. And since I'm only in control of whether this balloon is firmly planted on the ground or in the air, I'm asking for Him to fill me and give me peace no matter where I'm directed.

WHITE RABBIT!!

Some of you know exactly what that title is. For those of you who don't, let me explain. For the last couple of years or so, our family has been playing a game called White Rabbit. Here is how you play: You must be the first person to say "White Rabbit" on the 1st day of every month and then you are the winner. Now, keep in mind that you can win one minute and then lose the next if someone who wasn't in the first conversation says it to you. This can be quite tricky over the phone. For example, sometimes when I call my parents on the 1st my mom will answer and I'll quickly say White Rabbit. She will then turn to my dad, say White Rabbit and then my dad will try to hop on the phone say it to me. I know this is kind of crazy but it can be quite entertaining and yet completely aggrevating!

So, the only other thing to say is.....I win!!!

church for the podcast generation

While I drove across the very beautiful and very wide state of Pennsylvania today, I listened to part of a sermon series at The Village Church that Pastor Matt Chandler did during the weeks leading up to Easter called The Cross. I downloaded this sermon series off of iTunes for free a couple months ago and as I enjoyed the cool breeze and allowed my cruise control to take me through the rolling hills, I connected with a church body without ever have stepped foot into their church building. And as wonderful as this experience was, I have begun to wonder if this is healthy..... Don't get me wrong - I was SUPER excited when my friend, Allison, informed me that even though I missed church last weekend, I could download Rocky Mountain Calvary's message off iTunes. I'm just wondering if getting wrapped up in another church's sermon series causes us to stray from what God intended for His body.

Is it good that we receive teaching more frequently than Sundays? Yes.
Is it an equal substitute for the main worship service? No.
Do I really need fellowship with a body? Yes.

But other than music and fellowship, what am I really missing out on? Participating with the body of Christ. Giving of ones time and resources to the church. So, we may not feel like we're missing out on anything but is it only about us anyway?

Lord, please remind me that the reason why I go to church is only partially to hear that sermon. Most importantly, I want to go longing to worship you with my voice in song, with my heart in surrender and with my mind in seeking deeper knowledge of you. Keep me from getting spiritual ADD and allowing my mind to be consumed with so many teachings that I can't see how You are working through them. May You be praised above all things during our times together as a body.

ethnic foods

I miss ethnic foods. I had forgotten how exciting a trip to the grocery store could be. This morning, I went on a search for something for breakfast at the local supermarket in Waterloo, ON. Even though everything was packaged very similarly, I didn't recognize very many of the brands. If I hadn't told my friend that I would meet her in half an hour, I could have spent hours of my time walking up and down the isles looking for new and different foods. So, I'm coming up with a new goal - try a completely new ethnic recipe every other week.

First recipe: Thai Spicy Eggplant. I'll let you know how it is.

regarding my last post

Two things I read right after I wrote my last post.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 16: 24-25, NKJV)

Christian: "..'tis not best to covet things that are now, but to wait for things to come."

Interpreter: "You say truth: for the things that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seen are eternal."

(Taken from The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan)

Trust. Patience. Eyes set on eternity.

Change and Transition

It isn't change that I don't like. It is transition. And why is that transition is so hard when I know that the destination is where I want to be?

I've always wanted to write a book and for a long time I thought it would be on how to transition through life well. But I'm not sure that transitioning well is something that I am very good at. Trusting God isn't something that I'm very good at. So how can following Him through a change be either?

I'm getting ready to travel again this week for work. Even though I was gone on a trip last week, the upcoming 8 day trip isn't looking too appealing. (That's one transition) On this trip, I will be transitioning jobs to working with ministries instead of bookstores. (That's another transition) At the end of the trip, I will be spending the evening with a lady from Crossworld, who I have been talking with about taking steps toward going overseas long term. (Another transition but one that I am very eager about.) If you think of it, please pray for our time together next Thurs. evening and Fri. morning.

On a lighter note, I found a new journal that I'm excited about transitioning into and I've been toying around with the idea of rearranging my bedroom. Both of these are changes, as well as transitions, that I'm looking forward to. But the major difference between these and the previous changes/transitions is that I'm in control of these and I know what it will (or will not, in this case) cost me.

Do you have any advice about transition you can offer me?

(By the way, I'm not still planning on writing a book on this subject so you don't need to worry - you won't be quoted.)

J. Hudson Taylor

Today I took some time to flip through a few photo albums of my two trips to East Asia. Even though some of the names of my Chinese friends have escaped me, just the glimpse of their faces has opened the flood gates to emotions that have been dormant for a long time. As I think back to all the sites I saw and all the crazy things our team did, I'm thankful to have been part of everything that took place during those trips.

I remember back when I found out that a dear family friend of mine had just been diagnosed with cancer and I was explaining the situation with one of my friends, Jo. After a few brief moments of silence, I remember looking up through teary eyes and seeing that Jo was also crying. But for a different reason. She then asked me, "Do you believe that God can heal cancer?" Whoa! To think that God had allowed me to share more about my faith because of this family tragedy completely blew my mind.

I miss the wonderful man that sat at the front desk of our dorm and the lady that I would buy watermelon from every couple of days. Then I came upon a few pictures of the children that we sang songs with at a coffee shop down the street and one of a close friend of our team who's joyful smile could always light up a room. Boy do I miss him! And then I remember how I felt after I left the Buddhist temple that afternoon - how my heart broke for the futility of it all.

Then I picked up Hudson Taylor's biography. I thought it would be fitting to read since he had such a huge impact in touching China for God. He spent many years preparing to go by learning to endure hardships, live cheaply and trust God for everything. In the first 30 pages of this book, I confirmed what my next task is in my journey toward overseas missions - pray earnestly and trust whole-heartedly. This quote jumped out at me as I was reading:

"Dear God, please give me some work to do for you, as an outlet for my love and gratitude." J. Hudson Taylor. (Taken from J. Hudson Taylor: A Man in Christ, Roger Steer. OMF Literature, 1990.)

So today I pray his simple prayer trusting that God will be faithful in guiding me on the path He has set out before me. And since Hudson prepared for many years, if God keeps me here for longer than I would like or foresee, I pray that I would be just as willing to stay.

Scripture quoting little girl

This is the cutest little girl I have ever seen! I can't wait to teach my children scripture.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca

Unspoken questions

Airports, hotels, and rental cars. In most minds, using all three of these (for free) in any given city would be an ideal situation. But I find that life on the road has a different twist. Although I love many of the cities that I travel to for work, my mind tends to disconnect from reality even though that is my reality. (Does that even make sense?) Here are a few thing that I think about every trip I take: ("Think" is a key word here because usually I'm alone so no one hears these thoughts - well, except you now.)

• Hmmm, is it just me or is everyone in this airport suddenly feeling the urge to stop directly in front of me for no good reason?
• Oh no, please don't let that be that guy that will occupy the seat beside me. Yes, it's not! Shoot, not that guy either!
• Please let there be something good on TV tonight to pass the time.
• Okay, GPS, find me something good for dinner. Something that won't be too far away or less than $20. Something that has a bar so I don't feel like a dork sitting by myself but that will take up enough of my evening since nothing is on TV.
• Is that guy talking to me? Grrr! I hate those ear pieces. That guy almost fooled me into thinking that someone was actually talking to me!
• Maybe if I look like I'm reading/sleeping this lady next to me won't try to witness to me.
• I really hope that I get a cool car - something with a sunroof would be nice. A Saturn is all you have left?
• Is it too dangerous of an opportunity to know that I can be anyone or anything that I want to be when I'm on the road? Would anyone know otherwise? (By the way, the answer is yes to both questions but that's for another blog.)
• Should I have a Chicago Dog while I'm in O'hare? And if so, does that really count toward having a Chicago Dog in Chicago? Am I techniqully in Chicago or just some portal?

Just got home from my last trip to Boston for work. Overall it was a pretty great trip. I got to eat dinner at the Union Oyster House, which is the oldest restaurant in America that is still open for business. Great atmosphere and terrific clam chowder! I also drove around the North End (my favorite district in downtown Boston) and past Fenway Park during a Red Sox game. Also, on my flight home from Boston to Chicago, I sat next to a gentlemen that asked if I wanted to switch iPods. I guess this happens quite often in the iPod world but it hasn't ever happened to me and I thoroughly enjoyed it! You can definitely learn a lot about a person based on what kind of music they have. And his playlists reminded me of a few artists/songs that I have been meaning to download but keep forgetting about. All in all, it was a short but sweet time in my favorite city. Hopefully, it won't be too long before I can go back.

Lyrics

As long as I can remember, music has moved me. When I was in junior high (the very impressionable age), I could not wait for 10:00 pm so that I could tune my radio to KKRD 107.3 and listen to the Top 10 voted songs of the night. I was ever obsessed enough to call in and actually vote. But to have all of my favorite songs played in a 60 minute period was a once-in-a-lifetime moment (or maybe a 5-times-a-week moment). Even during those times, it was all I could do to keep from jumping around my room "trying" to dance. Especially since I was hoping that I would be able to practice enough in order to avoid making a fool of myself at next years Homecoming, and try to memorize all the words so that I could sing along at the top of my lungs.

During these late night dance parties was when I began perfecting the talent of listening to a song only once and having at least the chorus completely memorized. (By the way, this drives a lot of my friends crazy! And actually, it kind of bothers me too when I'm trying to surf the radio but I keep getting stuck on songs I know and don't really like. Sorry, I'll get back to the point.) But when I come upon a set of lyrics that send chills down my back, that I can't sing loud enough to, or that keep me from singing all together, my hand starts fumbling for the pen and paper in hopes of recapturing a moment that deserves to be held onto forever.

I had one of those today. Here is what I heard and what I hope will resound in my head for many days to come:

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle (emphasis added by myself)


To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of it's offering I do drink
Of it's work I do sing
On it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love and God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees and I am
Lost for words so lost in love I'm
Sweetly broken wholly surrendered.

What a priceless gift undeserved life
Have I been given through Christ crucified
You've called me out of death
You've called me into life
When I was under Your wrath
Through the cross I'm reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous is Your redeeming love
How great is Your faithfulness.

In eternity, I will be found with my arms stretched out wide, my head tilted upward toward my Savior's beautiful face and crying out these words at the stop of my lungs. (I could DEFINITELY sing this song for eternity!)

To whom I cling

The musty yet sweet fragrance of rain is so calming after a long day of work. Thank you for filling my world with refreshment for three evenings in a row. Makes me want to sit in our hammock all night long.



My camera doesn't do your beautiful sunsets justice. Even though it's dangerous, I can't keep my eyes off your masterpieces when I'm driving. Thank you for allowing me to stand in awe of your splendor so frequently. Please guard me from apathy toward your creation.

Wow! And I think I know what's going on in the world. Thank you for being trustworthy when man isn't. As fearful as I am in trusting you, I can rest assured that You always have my best in mind. Nothing can hide itself from you - "Therefore, do not fear them. There is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be know." (NKJV, Matt. 10:26)

Where my soul connects: Home

There have been many churches I have called home in my life. Some have aquired that reference due to time spent in the pews and others because of the community I benefited from. But none the less, each has made its mark on my life in both encouraging and challenging ways. There have been worship leaders that have stirred in me a healthy reverence of God through use of sound and since I lean more toward the artistic side of life, I'm initially compelled to seek this first. There have been teachers that have caused me to pause, try to rub feeling back into my tired writing hand and be humbled by the knowledge of the Bible I lack. These are the ones that keep me wake in church, hungry for His Word and yet unsatisfied by my own times studying. There have also been buildings in which I have joined many friends on Sunday mornings to recap events of the week, cry tears over current struggles, and retreat back to my daily life knowing that I am loved and cared for. But what I haven't found much of is the blending of all three.

Over a cup of Starbucks, I discussed this idea with a friend of mine. She talked a little bit about what she has learned about deciding on a church to attend and I've begun to understand why some churches have their places in my life and some do not. Outside of doctrinal stances, a church can move you intellectually, emotional, and even physically at certain seasons in life. And just as seasons come and go, so do my home churches. Not that the past churches didn't have good enough worship or the pastor wasn't a world renown speaker but that they had their place in my journey and now that is somewhere else. So why is it that I find myself looking at other churches as "not as good as mine" when it's really based on finding a home? Shame on me.

But after much searching over the past year, I have found the one I currently call home. It's not whether or not I will be at church on Sunday but which service I will go to. God has used each service to touch me in a special way - worship, teaching, and community combined. I've found the Lord to be more real to me than ever before because of the time I've spent there. My heart is overflowing! I've been able to meet with God in the presence of many other believers today. What a blessing God has given us when He gave us church!

Hit in the face

It's amazing to me how everything about life seems to coordinate. There can be a million things going on at one time and yet they all have a purpose that is brought to life only when they are all present. And when you least expect everything to make sense, you are hit in the face with something that finally opens your eyes.

This happened to me today when I was reading Matthew 6:19-21 on a "whim." In the past week, my work life has changed drastically due to some downsizing. Because of this, parts of my job description changed which left me very frustrated at the inability to reap the seeds that I have sowun. (As a sales rep, this can be quite a frustrating thing - motivation is brought on by reward, you know.) But then I read this, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." My motivation was in rewards such as respect at work, words from man, and most of all, money. Instead, I should have been glad that tools for helping people in their walk were distributed all over, that I was able to make dear friends all across the US, and that I have been part of a great team of people learning to work together better.

Glad this hit in the face came now and not later. But I'm still trying to recover from it all.

Inspiring

There are only a few sights that instantly take me down memory lane and hot air balloons are one of them. Each time I catch a glimpse of one preparing for lift-off, I'm taken back to being a child. I remember the sound of my parents whispers as they were getting the car ready extra early on those special mornings. Then I would hear the creek of my bedroom door opening as they were coming in to get me out of bed. Usually this is a pretty tough task (unless I am the initiator of it) but the mornings when my brother and I got to watch the balloons take-off were well worth it. It was so much fun to sit on a blanket stretched over a field of grass and try to be the first to recognize the design of each balloon. And once they started getting more and more filled, they left quickly. As I strained my eyes to see them far off in the distance, I would wonder what it might be like to look down at the world below - how little everything would seem and yet how big at the same time.

I was recalling this during my long drive back from a wedding in Kansas this weekend and I realized how closely these take-offs resemble each change in life. The first time my balloon made its journey away from Wichita, I found myself in Man-happenin' (Manhattan, KS). I learned so much about life, love and skipping class (sorry Mom and Dad :), but I couldn't wait to leave that place for the bigger places beyond. So, two days after graduation, my balloon planted me in Colorado and I'm so grateful for the past four years that I have been here. To make my home somewhere outside of the flat lands was in some ways hard task but now I crave the beautiful mountainside more than I ever thought I would when I'm gone. The joy of going for hikes in the coolness of morning and the silhouette of the mountains at sunset are two things that I hope I never take for granted.

So why the trip down memory lane? Well, I feel another change coming. Of course I don't know what it is but I feel it. The spontaneous part of me that longs for adventure is heightened with curiosity but the homebody in me is screaming for more time here. I love my friends, my house, my job and the comfort of familiarity. But another desire in me has been stirred. I long to travel far away and experience a new culture, not just for two weeks or two months, but for two or more years. After studying in East Asia for four months total while in college, I haven't been able to keep my heart from traveling back there without me.

All that said, I'm beginning the tough stuff. Beginning to understand what weights are keeping me grounded here and what it will take to throw them out of my basket. Beginning to explore opportunities that I might find far away from home. But more than anything, I'm beginning to surrender, because once a balloon takes off, only the wind knows where it will end up. As much as I might try to map out the direction that this balloon will go, I am dependent upon the wind to take me there. And in the wind, I will find the freedom to soar above the land, to see all that the world holds, and to be what I was created to be. And for that alone, being what I was created to be, makes all the pains of leaving a comfortable, mountainside home completely worth it.