My lame efforts as a roadblock

I have a tendency to let the advice of other people sway the way I think or feel about decisions in my life. I'm not sure if this comes from a desire to please other people or just indecisiveness but either way, it has brought on many tears of confusion over the years. Now there are definitely moments when I need to listen to those words of wisdom from friends and family since I'm often overwhelmed with the emotions of my decisions and in need of a different perspective. But sometimes those friends and family are just as emotionally changed about the situations as I am.

So today I sought out counsel regarding the timing of missions training and received exactly what I was looking for. My best friend was able to sort through all my frustrations, worries and fears and point me in the right direction. What she pointed out to me was that my desire to have God work out all the logistics had caused me to stop doing anything. I had it in my mind that the Nov. training period wouldn't work out with my work schedule and had set my eyes on June instead. Because of this, I hadn't tried very hard to open the appropriate doors to make Nov. happen even if God decided to close them until June. My fear had caused me freeze.

With her practical advice on what to do, I can honestly say that I have done (and am doing) everything in my control to allow God to work out the logistics. I am no longer acting out of fear. I am at peace with Nov or June. God will prepare me for either.

An Effective Use of Time

Tonight I am able to say that I didn't waste my evening. I spent it reading, Dangerous Faith by Joel Vestal, a new book out by NavPress that talks about living a missional life wherever your mission field may be. Joel has traveled to more than seventy different countries around the world and his stories are shocking, awe-inspiring, challenging and compelling. Since my heart already resonates with his passion for missions, it has been quite easy for me to look forward to reading. But tonight I am humbled at my own desire to live the "American dream." I don't want to retire one day and find myself asking questions like "Is that it? I have lived a comfortable and predictable life. But what have I really accomplished with the time I was given?" Instead, as Joel points out, I hope I can be like Paul at the end of my life and say,

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13 NIV)

I'm reminded that this life isn't about me or what I have to offer. Everything that I have is God's. Everything. And His magnificent plan will take place with or without my help. Therefore, it is a great privilege to be part of it all and there is nothing better that I can do with my life.

It's been a good evening. I wish I was more consistent in using my extra time effectively. But before I go, here's one more quote that was included in this book - it was encouraging to me.

God did not make the first human because He needed company, but because He wanted someone to whom he could show His generosity and love. God did not tell us to follow Him because he needed our help, but because He knew that loving Him would make us whole.
~Irenaeus

I'm still alive....I think

Let's see. What has happened in my life since I last blogged? I spent the rest of Labor Day weekend visiting friends in Longmont, CO and doing some shopping in Fort Collins, CO. While I was up there, I was able to spend a lot of time reading - I woke up at 3am on Monday and couldn't go back to sleep - and even more time doing absolutely nothing. :) It was good to get away from home while still feeling like I was at home. Hopefully that makes sense cuz I can't figure out another way to explain it.

After the long weekend, I went back to reality with full force - I started in a new position at work. Before, I was traveling around in the Northeast states visiting bookstores to talk with them about our new product. Now, I will be spending more of my time in the office but working with ministries instead. It doesn't seem like much of a switch but believe me, it is. I thought there were a lot of bookstores but there are about 10x as many ministries - my phone has been ringing off the hook. And not only am I considered their sales rep, I am also helping with marketing - the part I LOVE!! This will make me sound like a geek but there are many times when I wish someone would give me an Algebra assignment just because I miss doing math. Yes, I know it's weird but I can't help it - I really do miss it. Anyway, for the last two weeks, I have been able to spend hours staring at numbers, making graphs and finding ways to reach ministries with new products that fit their visions of outreach. If you can't tell - I'm super excited about what this job will allow me to do and because of that, I have been staying at work long after 5:00pm strikes.

During the few hours that I have had left in my evenings, I have been filling out an in-depth application to go overseas. I sent it off in the mail yesterday and since then have finally been able to sit for a few moments and just...well...sit. But what I have left to listen to are thoughts that seem to contradict themselves. Here they are: (1) I think about the calling that I know was placed on my heart 6 years ago and excitement fills my mind - excitement that will eventually put me on a plane to somewhere far far away from here. (2) Then I think about how I'm still sitting in my cubicle surrounded by graphs of ministry book buying trends which I've been salivating over for the last three hours and can't wait to put the results into action.

How do these two thoughts live in my mind at the same time without a brawl breaking out? Can I be excited about implementing over the next year what my reports are showing while I take steps during my off time toward leaving everything I know?

I'm not asking these questions out of fear of leaving, although I'm not going to deny that I'm scared. I'm not asking these questions because I feel like my calling has changed. I am asking them because I want to be sure that I don't leave before God is done equipping me for the future. I never wanted to go overseas because I didn't like my job - I like my job. But I also have never had adrenaline kick in while I'm working. It makes me laugh about the next phrase that goes through my mind - "Maybe Satan is putting a road block in your path so you won't go overseas." Really? Satan would rather me be excited about feeding ministries around the world with resources to touch peoples lives with the Gospel? I'm not so sure about that.

So all that said - I'm loving my job. I'm excited about going overseas. But I'm confused about how God is going to work those two things out. Guess that's why I'm not in control.

One step closer

I'm taking the next step. I don't know the destination but I know that I'll never get there without moving forward.

Last week while I was in PA, I finally met face-to-face with Lisa (the lady who I have been talking with about overseas missions). Over a Philly cheesesteak, I shared a few things that I'd been processing through over the last month. The last time that we talked, I had begun to notice that I was leaning on Lisa to tell me what the next step would be and I felt God asking me to wait on His direction instead. In God's perfect timing, right before I asked Lisa what she thought the next step would be, her phone battery died. (I know God was laughing with me when I closed my phone.) Anyway, the next week at church, our pastor was talking about searching every room in our heart to make sure that God would be able to call it "home." As he was saying this, I knew that my next step would be a spiritual one. Throughout the last month, I've been in a desert where I have been humbled in the most painful and beautiful ways. When we open up our lives and allow God to show us where we need Him, He is definitely delighted to show us. (Now I'm praying that God would show me those areas gently.) And most of all, I thank God that He didn't allow me to go any further in this process without showing me how greatly I need Him.

Also during this month, I've been amazed to see how I've felt a tug on the heartstrings when it comes to certain passions in my life. One example would be children. I've never considered myself to be someone that oohs and aahs over every little child I see. But after looking through pictures of the children I worked with in East Asia and watching a video of children in Africa, I started to get a glimpse of God's heart for children and how I could play a part. Another example was shown to me through my church and my times in the Word. I have a burden for the Church. I long for people to know God's truth through the establishment churches. This has never been something that I've felt this passionate about until recently but I told my mom that I could see myself planting churches someday - something I honestly had never thought about.

After I shared all of this with Lisa, I felt free to ask what the next logistical step may be. She told me a little more about CrossWorld's vision (which happens to be focused on church planting) as well as what the process of going overseas with them would be. This is where I begun to get fearful. Why? Because in the back of my mind I know that each step closer to actually getting on a plane to go overseas long-term is one step closer to saying goodbye. But I can't deny the fact that God's hand has been so incredibly visible throughout all my conversations with Lisa and each of my personal times in the Word over the last few months. When we got back from dinner, I was given a two inch stack of papers regarding everything from what CrossWorld believes to what my role could to health and retirement plans. Needless to say, I was up long into the night reading. But she suggested that I consider starting the application process since their training weeks only come along twice a year and one of them is only a couple months away.

So, I'm taking the next step. But I need your prayers. There are a few timing issues that need to be worked out. I was reading that same night in Matthew where Jesus said to a fig tree that wasn't bearing fruit "Let no fruit grow on you ever again" and it immediately withered away. The next few verses that followed have become a great source of comfort for me:

"Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast in the sea,' it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." (Matthew 21:21-22, NKJV)

God can work out the timing. Also, pray for courage. Like I briefly mentioned at the beginning, I don't know the destination of this journey. My hot-air balloon is only moved by the direction in which God determined the wind to blow. And since I'm only in control of whether this balloon is firmly planted on the ground or in the air, I'm asking for Him to fill me and give me peace no matter where I'm directed.

J. Hudson Taylor

Today I took some time to flip through a few photo albums of my two trips to East Asia. Even though some of the names of my Chinese friends have escaped me, just the glimpse of their faces has opened the flood gates to emotions that have been dormant for a long time. As I think back to all the sites I saw and all the crazy things our team did, I'm thankful to have been part of everything that took place during those trips.

I remember back when I found out that a dear family friend of mine had just been diagnosed with cancer and I was explaining the situation with one of my friends, Jo. After a few brief moments of silence, I remember looking up through teary eyes and seeing that Jo was also crying. But for a different reason. She then asked me, "Do you believe that God can heal cancer?" Whoa! To think that God had allowed me to share more about my faith because of this family tragedy completely blew my mind.

I miss the wonderful man that sat at the front desk of our dorm and the lady that I would buy watermelon from every couple of days. Then I came upon a few pictures of the children that we sang songs with at a coffee shop down the street and one of a close friend of our team who's joyful smile could always light up a room. Boy do I miss him! And then I remember how I felt after I left the Buddhist temple that afternoon - how my heart broke for the futility of it all.

Then I picked up Hudson Taylor's biography. I thought it would be fitting to read since he had such a huge impact in touching China for God. He spent many years preparing to go by learning to endure hardships, live cheaply and trust God for everything. In the first 30 pages of this book, I confirmed what my next task is in my journey toward overseas missions - pray earnestly and trust whole-heartedly. This quote jumped out at me as I was reading:

"Dear God, please give me some work to do for you, as an outlet for my love and gratitude." J. Hudson Taylor. (Taken from J. Hudson Taylor: A Man in Christ, Roger Steer. OMF Literature, 1990.)

So today I pray his simple prayer trusting that God will be faithful in guiding me on the path He has set out before me. And since Hudson prepared for many years, if God keeps me here for longer than I would like or foresee, I pray that I would be just as willing to stay.

Inspiring

There are only a few sights that instantly take me down memory lane and hot air balloons are one of them. Each time I catch a glimpse of one preparing for lift-off, I'm taken back to being a child. I remember the sound of my parents whispers as they were getting the car ready extra early on those special mornings. Then I would hear the creek of my bedroom door opening as they were coming in to get me out of bed. Usually this is a pretty tough task (unless I am the initiator of it) but the mornings when my brother and I got to watch the balloons take-off were well worth it. It was so much fun to sit on a blanket stretched over a field of grass and try to be the first to recognize the design of each balloon. And once they started getting more and more filled, they left quickly. As I strained my eyes to see them far off in the distance, I would wonder what it might be like to look down at the world below - how little everything would seem and yet how big at the same time.

I was recalling this during my long drive back from a wedding in Kansas this weekend and I realized how closely these take-offs resemble each change in life. The first time my balloon made its journey away from Wichita, I found myself in Man-happenin' (Manhattan, KS). I learned so much about life, love and skipping class (sorry Mom and Dad :), but I couldn't wait to leave that place for the bigger places beyond. So, two days after graduation, my balloon planted me in Colorado and I'm so grateful for the past four years that I have been here. To make my home somewhere outside of the flat lands was in some ways hard task but now I crave the beautiful mountainside more than I ever thought I would when I'm gone. The joy of going for hikes in the coolness of morning and the silhouette of the mountains at sunset are two things that I hope I never take for granted.

So why the trip down memory lane? Well, I feel another change coming. Of course I don't know what it is but I feel it. The spontaneous part of me that longs for adventure is heightened with curiosity but the homebody in me is screaming for more time here. I love my friends, my house, my job and the comfort of familiarity. But another desire in me has been stirred. I long to travel far away and experience a new culture, not just for two weeks or two months, but for two or more years. After studying in East Asia for four months total while in college, I haven't been able to keep my heart from traveling back there without me.

All that said, I'm beginning the tough stuff. Beginning to understand what weights are keeping me grounded here and what it will take to throw them out of my basket. Beginning to explore opportunities that I might find far away from home. But more than anything, I'm beginning to surrender, because once a balloon takes off, only the wind knows where it will end up. As much as I might try to map out the direction that this balloon will go, I am dependent upon the wind to take me there. And in the wind, I will find the freedom to soar above the land, to see all that the world holds, and to be what I was created to be. And for that alone, being what I was created to be, makes all the pains of leaving a comfortable, mountainside home completely worth it.