My lame efforts as a roadblock

I have a tendency to let the advice of other people sway the way I think or feel about decisions in my life. I'm not sure if this comes from a desire to please other people or just indecisiveness but either way, it has brought on many tears of confusion over the years. Now there are definitely moments when I need to listen to those words of wisdom from friends and family since I'm often overwhelmed with the emotions of my decisions and in need of a different perspective. But sometimes those friends and family are just as emotionally changed about the situations as I am.

So today I sought out counsel regarding the timing of missions training and received exactly what I was looking for. My best friend was able to sort through all my frustrations, worries and fears and point me in the right direction. What she pointed out to me was that my desire to have God work out all the logistics had caused me to stop doing anything. I had it in my mind that the Nov. training period wouldn't work out with my work schedule and had set my eyes on June instead. Because of this, I hadn't tried very hard to open the appropriate doors to make Nov. happen even if God decided to close them until June. My fear had caused me freeze.

With her practical advice on what to do, I can honestly say that I have done (and am doing) everything in my control to allow God to work out the logistics. I am no longer acting out of fear. I am at peace with Nov or June. God will prepare me for either.

My past meets the present

Horn Creek holds part of my life and part of my heart. Being nestled in the breath-taking Sange De Cristo mountain range gives a feel unlike any other. As the distinctly crisp mountain breeze mixes with the sound of the wind blowing through the aspen trees, I am able to find the quiet places in my heart - those places that you only know are there when you have run out of things to say or think about.

It was great to connect with a few friends that I hadn't seen in awhile. But at the same time, ever since I started working there, it's been hard to remember what it was like to be a camper - without worry or stress during my time on the property. This trip had a few of those same moments.

But I took a long hike down Rainbow Trail and essentially, memory lane as well. I was able to enjoy being completely alone in the mountains that I love. I was able to sit in a rocking chair outside the Ranch Dining hall and look out over the camp that I love while the sun set behind me. It was one of those moments that I wish I could have captured but a picture wouldn't have let you smell the wind or listen to the silence. This was a place where I learned so much about service - maybe because I cleaned 10 bathrooms a week and served over hundreds of meals. A place where I hoped that people would connect with God and yet He seemed so far from me. And at the end of each hard day that we worked there, we had the ability to relax in a rocking chair with the dining hall behind us and smell that same wind. But I didn't do it enough.







Those 6 hours that I spent up in Westcliffe, CO last Saturday afternoon were exactly what I needed. Time far away from the noises of the city and time driving that familiar road that brought me to the Springs and the life I love now.

An Effective Use of Time

Tonight I am able to say that I didn't waste my evening. I spent it reading, Dangerous Faith by Joel Vestal, a new book out by NavPress that talks about living a missional life wherever your mission field may be. Joel has traveled to more than seventy different countries around the world and his stories are shocking, awe-inspiring, challenging and compelling. Since my heart already resonates with his passion for missions, it has been quite easy for me to look forward to reading. But tonight I am humbled at my own desire to live the "American dream." I don't want to retire one day and find myself asking questions like "Is that it? I have lived a comfortable and predictable life. But what have I really accomplished with the time I was given?" Instead, as Joel points out, I hope I can be like Paul at the end of my life and say,

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13 NIV)

I'm reminded that this life isn't about me or what I have to offer. Everything that I have is God's. Everything. And His magnificent plan will take place with or without my help. Therefore, it is a great privilege to be part of it all and there is nothing better that I can do with my life.

It's been a good evening. I wish I was more consistent in using my extra time effectively. But before I go, here's one more quote that was included in this book - it was encouraging to me.

God did not make the first human because He needed company, but because He wanted someone to whom he could show His generosity and love. God did not tell us to follow Him because he needed our help, but because He knew that loving Him would make us whole.
~Irenaeus

Cold weather - Great shows

The weather has been getting a lot colder lately here in Colorado and when this happens I find myself watching more television. Since my roommates and I don't have any TV channels, we must resort to watching movies or past seasons of TV shows. This isn't the first winter season where I have tried to catch up on episodes of a particular show. In the past I have watched Lost and Grey's Anatomy but last year I got hooked on Prison Break. If you haven't seen it, it's kind of like Shawshank Redemption but in TV form - it's fascinating! Well, last night I picked up Disc 1 of Season 2 which contained four episodes. I was pretty sure this would last me a couple nights but I was shocked when it only lasted one evening. So today after work, I proceeded to find a Blockbuster near my house which had Disc 2 so that I could keep feeding my addiction - I know, I'm pathetic. But you have to cut me a break, I don't normally do this and I didn't have anything to do tonight anyway. So I just finished watching two more episodes and decided that would be enough for tonight. I can contain myself and save the other two episodes for tomorrow. So if you are looking for a distraction - I would suggest watching Prison Break. I hear the season premiere aired tonight also so maybe a few of you caught that. If so, I don't want to hear about it! :) And in case you were wondering what I will do with my extra time after I have finished season 2 of Prison Break, I plan on starting season 1 of Heroes - I heard it's really good and the only time I have seen part of an episode was on a plane with a loudly snoring man next to me.

In case you want to check out what this show - Prison Break - is all about.

Rest

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30 MSG)

Jesus is so refreshing to me right now. He really has showm me how to recover my life. I'm not perfect at resting but keeping company with Him has definitely been freeing. Now my goal is to keep closely watching how He does it for the rest of my days.

Lowest of all things (in my opinion)

I hate moths with a passion. When there is a moth in the room I can't concentrate on anything other than the death of it. And I mean death! Grabbing it and throwing it outside isn't sufficient since it could find it's way back into my life again. I've been known to scream and run out of the room when these things get close to me. I've been told stories about people having moths in their ears and I am left with the chills - actually just thinking about it again makes me cringe. I think those dusty, blind, useless insects need to be completely exterminated. I'm sure they have a reason but none that I can see and trust me there isn't one. Oh and they put holes in my clothes! Those wretched things! Here's a picture I took tonight of the two moths that were sitting on the light fixtures in our kitchen. For some weird reason, I kind of like this picture - it almost makes those sick little creatures look good. (Almost)

I'm still alive....I think

Let's see. What has happened in my life since I last blogged? I spent the rest of Labor Day weekend visiting friends in Longmont, CO and doing some shopping in Fort Collins, CO. While I was up there, I was able to spend a lot of time reading - I woke up at 3am on Monday and couldn't go back to sleep - and even more time doing absolutely nothing. :) It was good to get away from home while still feeling like I was at home. Hopefully that makes sense cuz I can't figure out another way to explain it.

After the long weekend, I went back to reality with full force - I started in a new position at work. Before, I was traveling around in the Northeast states visiting bookstores to talk with them about our new product. Now, I will be spending more of my time in the office but working with ministries instead. It doesn't seem like much of a switch but believe me, it is. I thought there were a lot of bookstores but there are about 10x as many ministries - my phone has been ringing off the hook. And not only am I considered their sales rep, I am also helping with marketing - the part I LOVE!! This will make me sound like a geek but there are many times when I wish someone would give me an Algebra assignment just because I miss doing math. Yes, I know it's weird but I can't help it - I really do miss it. Anyway, for the last two weeks, I have been able to spend hours staring at numbers, making graphs and finding ways to reach ministries with new products that fit their visions of outreach. If you can't tell - I'm super excited about what this job will allow me to do and because of that, I have been staying at work long after 5:00pm strikes.

During the few hours that I have had left in my evenings, I have been filling out an in-depth application to go overseas. I sent it off in the mail yesterday and since then have finally been able to sit for a few moments and just...well...sit. But what I have left to listen to are thoughts that seem to contradict themselves. Here they are: (1) I think about the calling that I know was placed on my heart 6 years ago and excitement fills my mind - excitement that will eventually put me on a plane to somewhere far far away from here. (2) Then I think about how I'm still sitting in my cubicle surrounded by graphs of ministry book buying trends which I've been salivating over for the last three hours and can't wait to put the results into action.

How do these two thoughts live in my mind at the same time without a brawl breaking out? Can I be excited about implementing over the next year what my reports are showing while I take steps during my off time toward leaving everything I know?

I'm not asking these questions out of fear of leaving, although I'm not going to deny that I'm scared. I'm not asking these questions because I feel like my calling has changed. I am asking them because I want to be sure that I don't leave before God is done equipping me for the future. I never wanted to go overseas because I didn't like my job - I like my job. But I also have never had adrenaline kick in while I'm working. It makes me laugh about the next phrase that goes through my mind - "Maybe Satan is putting a road block in your path so you won't go overseas." Really? Satan would rather me be excited about feeding ministries around the world with resources to touch peoples lives with the Gospel? I'm not so sure about that.

So all that said - I'm loving my job. I'm excited about going overseas. But I'm confused about how God is going to work those two things out. Guess that's why I'm not in control.

One step closer

I'm taking the next step. I don't know the destination but I know that I'll never get there without moving forward.

Last week while I was in PA, I finally met face-to-face with Lisa (the lady who I have been talking with about overseas missions). Over a Philly cheesesteak, I shared a few things that I'd been processing through over the last month. The last time that we talked, I had begun to notice that I was leaning on Lisa to tell me what the next step would be and I felt God asking me to wait on His direction instead. In God's perfect timing, right before I asked Lisa what she thought the next step would be, her phone battery died. (I know God was laughing with me when I closed my phone.) Anyway, the next week at church, our pastor was talking about searching every room in our heart to make sure that God would be able to call it "home." As he was saying this, I knew that my next step would be a spiritual one. Throughout the last month, I've been in a desert where I have been humbled in the most painful and beautiful ways. When we open up our lives and allow God to show us where we need Him, He is definitely delighted to show us. (Now I'm praying that God would show me those areas gently.) And most of all, I thank God that He didn't allow me to go any further in this process without showing me how greatly I need Him.

Also during this month, I've been amazed to see how I've felt a tug on the heartstrings when it comes to certain passions in my life. One example would be children. I've never considered myself to be someone that oohs and aahs over every little child I see. But after looking through pictures of the children I worked with in East Asia and watching a video of children in Africa, I started to get a glimpse of God's heart for children and how I could play a part. Another example was shown to me through my church and my times in the Word. I have a burden for the Church. I long for people to know God's truth through the establishment churches. This has never been something that I've felt this passionate about until recently but I told my mom that I could see myself planting churches someday - something I honestly had never thought about.

After I shared all of this with Lisa, I felt free to ask what the next logistical step may be. She told me a little more about CrossWorld's vision (which happens to be focused on church planting) as well as what the process of going overseas with them would be. This is where I begun to get fearful. Why? Because in the back of my mind I know that each step closer to actually getting on a plane to go overseas long-term is one step closer to saying goodbye. But I can't deny the fact that God's hand has been so incredibly visible throughout all my conversations with Lisa and each of my personal times in the Word over the last few months. When we got back from dinner, I was given a two inch stack of papers regarding everything from what CrossWorld believes to what my role could to health and retirement plans. Needless to say, I was up long into the night reading. But she suggested that I consider starting the application process since their training weeks only come along twice a year and one of them is only a couple months away.

So, I'm taking the next step. But I need your prayers. There are a few timing issues that need to be worked out. I was reading that same night in Matthew where Jesus said to a fig tree that wasn't bearing fruit "Let no fruit grow on you ever again" and it immediately withered away. The next few verses that followed have become a great source of comfort for me:

"Assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what was done to the fig tree, but also if you say to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast in the sea,' it will be done. And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing, you will receive." (Matthew 21:21-22, NKJV)

God can work out the timing. Also, pray for courage. Like I briefly mentioned at the beginning, I don't know the destination of this journey. My hot-air balloon is only moved by the direction in which God determined the wind to blow. And since I'm only in control of whether this balloon is firmly planted on the ground or in the air, I'm asking for Him to fill me and give me peace no matter where I'm directed.

WHITE RABBIT!!

Some of you know exactly what that title is. For those of you who don't, let me explain. For the last couple of years or so, our family has been playing a game called White Rabbit. Here is how you play: You must be the first person to say "White Rabbit" on the 1st day of every month and then you are the winner. Now, keep in mind that you can win one minute and then lose the next if someone who wasn't in the first conversation says it to you. This can be quite tricky over the phone. For example, sometimes when I call my parents on the 1st my mom will answer and I'll quickly say White Rabbit. She will then turn to my dad, say White Rabbit and then my dad will try to hop on the phone say it to me. I know this is kind of crazy but it can be quite entertaining and yet completely aggrevating!

So, the only other thing to say is.....I win!!!