I'm still alive....I think

Let's see. What has happened in my life since I last blogged? I spent the rest of Labor Day weekend visiting friends in Longmont, CO and doing some shopping in Fort Collins, CO. While I was up there, I was able to spend a lot of time reading - I woke up at 3am on Monday and couldn't go back to sleep - and even more time doing absolutely nothing. :) It was good to get away from home while still feeling like I was at home. Hopefully that makes sense cuz I can't figure out another way to explain it.

After the long weekend, I went back to reality with full force - I started in a new position at work. Before, I was traveling around in the Northeast states visiting bookstores to talk with them about our new product. Now, I will be spending more of my time in the office but working with ministries instead. It doesn't seem like much of a switch but believe me, it is. I thought there were a lot of bookstores but there are about 10x as many ministries - my phone has been ringing off the hook. And not only am I considered their sales rep, I am also helping with marketing - the part I LOVE!! This will make me sound like a geek but there are many times when I wish someone would give me an Algebra assignment just because I miss doing math. Yes, I know it's weird but I can't help it - I really do miss it. Anyway, for the last two weeks, I have been able to spend hours staring at numbers, making graphs and finding ways to reach ministries with new products that fit their visions of outreach. If you can't tell - I'm super excited about what this job will allow me to do and because of that, I have been staying at work long after 5:00pm strikes.

During the few hours that I have had left in my evenings, I have been filling out an in-depth application to go overseas. I sent it off in the mail yesterday and since then have finally been able to sit for a few moments and just...well...sit. But what I have left to listen to are thoughts that seem to contradict themselves. Here they are: (1) I think about the calling that I know was placed on my heart 6 years ago and excitement fills my mind - excitement that will eventually put me on a plane to somewhere far far away from here. (2) Then I think about how I'm still sitting in my cubicle surrounded by graphs of ministry book buying trends which I've been salivating over for the last three hours and can't wait to put the results into action.

How do these two thoughts live in my mind at the same time without a brawl breaking out? Can I be excited about implementing over the next year what my reports are showing while I take steps during my off time toward leaving everything I know?

I'm not asking these questions out of fear of leaving, although I'm not going to deny that I'm scared. I'm not asking these questions because I feel like my calling has changed. I am asking them because I want to be sure that I don't leave before God is done equipping me for the future. I never wanted to go overseas because I didn't like my job - I like my job. But I also have never had adrenaline kick in while I'm working. It makes me laugh about the next phrase that goes through my mind - "Maybe Satan is putting a road block in your path so you won't go overseas." Really? Satan would rather me be excited about feeding ministries around the world with resources to touch peoples lives with the Gospel? I'm not so sure about that.

So all that said - I'm loving my job. I'm excited about going overseas. But I'm confused about how God is going to work those two things out. Guess that's why I'm not in control.