incoherent thoughts

There are many reasons why I haven't been blogging lately but the main reason is because I've been overwhelmed mentally and coming up with a coherent post was completely out of my mental ability. There have been many ideas going around in my head but nothing that seemed to come together completely. Here are a few things I've been thinking through:

~~do I have any authority to be blogging? what is it that keeps someone coming back to read my blog? does it really encourage/challenge anyone or am I just shouting into the dark nothingness of the world wide web?

~~If the original point of putting my thoughts out there was to keep people updated about my journey toward missions, what happens if I feel like God is calling me to stay right now? (All the events that brought me to this question are so lengthy and I haven't had the time to type them all out.)

~~what do I make of the pains of this world? It's not that I've been going through anything super hard but seen people around me hurting. I'm tired of the darkness, pain and grief around me. I want Jesus to come back and take us home.

~~if I've been walking this christian life for 18 years, why is it so hard to spend time reading the Bible? And when I do, why am I so uncomfortable there? I'm working through this one but I'm not sure how to share it here.

~~balance. I want to learn how to balance. I've changed my job again and I'm much happier now but the problem has become that I don't want to stop working. Resting has become more of an issue that it's ever been before. And traveling so much this last month hasn't helped.

So these are things that you might see blogs about soon but then again you may not. Is there a theme to my life right now? Can I put a name to this season that I find myself in? That's a good question and I'm not sure I can answer it very well other than saying that I'm learning. I'm learning that I need family, that I'm not an extreme extrovert anymore, and that the changes that are taking place aren't always leading me in the most obvious direction.